listening

First, can I just say that I have had this post written in my head for like the last 4 hours and haven't been able to get to write it, so I am sure that any somewhat deep thoughts are now going to be gone.

Recently at church, we have been discussing listening to God when He speaks. Lately I have been hearing a lot of whispers. I am getting the hint. I just haven't figured it all out yet. Meaning, I have the subject matter figured out. I am just not sure how I am going to apply it.

Today I went to a women's event at church about surviving the ups and downs in this economy: emotionally, spiritually, and monetarily (so sorry if I have just butchered what the actual theme of the event was). Initially, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. In general, I have the knowledge about how to do things. I know how I should organize my time. I know how to meal plan. I know where to get all the good coupons and grocery deals. I know how to budget money. I know all that stuff. I just have a hard time applying it. I didn't want to go and hear everything that I already knew and still feel frustrated because when it all comes down to it, I just lack follow through. But I decided to sign up for it because it would be fun to be with my friends and if I could come away with one new thing then it would be worth it. Plus, who knows what the format will be, maybe I would have something to contribute.

In the last few weeks I have been really struggling with trying to figure out why, no matter what I do, I constantly feel unorganized and behind. I was tired of feeling like I only did things half way. Part of my motivation to quit working full time was so I could really just focus on being a mom and wife, the things I actually cared about, verses being a good employee. I wanted to feel like I was actually good at what I was doing instead of just giving each little piece of my life just enough to get by.

So I quit working full time and during the transition time, I let myself get very busy with things. I am not sure what things, but either way, it has taken a while to get out of vacation mode. I have gotten to the point that I can't stand how I am running my life. No longer is it fun to be busy all the time, running everywhere. It isn't fun to, once again, feel like I am only doing everything half way.

(**so I am once again losing focus, because Justin keeps talking to me. I worked last night and have very little brain power left. One more thought that I wanted to include, gone forever.)

I think that God has been telling me to scale it back. Start over, get down to basics. Grocery lists have frustrated me. Cleaning has frustrated me. Lack of sleep has frustrated me. Justin and I have been arguing over schedules and time and the lack there of. I have found myself having thoughts of dread about feeding Rhys solid foods, because it is just another pull on my time. I couldn't wait to feed Ava. It would be so fun to watch her discover new things. So what the heck are we doing with our time? What am I doing with my time? I have cut out a lot of time wasters around the house lately and it still isn't cutting it. It has ended up leaving me more frustrated because I am still feeling at a loss for what to do to get everything done AND I haven't done things for me.

A friend said that she thinks I have the gift of speaking truth. I generally think I can listen to people, wade through the crap and just hear all the excuses. I have done it at work for years. I figured it was time for this "honest" person to start being honest with herself. I need to let go of all of my own excuses. I figured out that when it comes to cleaning: I'm lazy and no body in this house cleans up after themselves. When it comes to my time: I over-commit and think I can do more than I can, which then results in me feeling like I don't do anything all that well. We also don't say no to people that well. We both also would rather not be at home because then we have a good excuse for why we haven't made dinner, folded laundry, done the dishes, etc. We have a general lack of consistency with our night time routines. That is because typically we are only home together 1 or 2 nights a week. Those are just a few of the examples.

Ok, attempting to bring it all together now. I know I am losing things that I wanted to say, but oh well. So this morning at the women's SOS, I felt like the different speakers either gave me tools (some physical), motivation, a different way to think about things, or just got me thinking. I feel like I am now ready and have a pretty clear path with how things are going to go. It isn't going to be easy for us or others. I have decided we need to go back to basics. Basic meal plans (no fancy foods, I am talking mac and cheese and a side of veggies). Lists, lists, lists. Limiting how many things a week or weekend that we say we are going to do. Setting aside quality family time. We really need to establish OUR FAMILY and what that looks like for us. Our family life needs an overhaul and it is happening now. All of the frustrations have been symptoms of this. During prayer a few weeks ago, our friend prayed for our busy-ness. She said something along the lines that we are so blessed to be loved by so many people who want to spend time with us. Just those words took away one of the reasons I have been totally ok with us being so busy all this time. I never wanted to get to the point where it had been months or years since we had seen our friends. I didn't want to neglect relationships. I think we have gotten to the point to where it is ok to put off a visit for a few weekends until one that isn't already packed with other things. I honestly can't even count how many weekends we have only been home for sleeping. Friday afternoon through Sunday around 9pm, gone all but about 18 hours, if we are lucky. I have to figure out what our balance will be. I don't want my kids to not be able to fall asleep anywhere else or flip out once the clock strikes six and we aren't doing bath time or something like that. But something has to change.

I am excited that people who have inspired me today are people that I really know. I look forward to future discussions and implementing ideas. Know that God spoke through you all today, to at least me. All of my swirling thoughts came together and I now have a plan. Sitting there today I felt like I was playing chess in my mind or doing a puzzle of some sort. I could suddenly see all my future moves, and the path was so clear. So thanks ladies! No I am not signing up to be on the steering committee. Why? Because I am scaling back and focusing on my fam.

(ha! I just re-read this before I hit publish. Not even the post I intended to write, but there you go.)