Friday, January 23, 2009

theme song?

I am sure everyone has songs that make them think of certain times, people, even seasons, when they hear them.  I was just listening to my ipod and came across my "theme" song for when Ava was little.  I guess it wasn't so much my theme song, as it was the song playing in the background, in the soundtrack of my movie/life.   Rhys makes certain faces and does things all the time that remind me so much of Ava that I can't help but reflect on what she was like at this age.  I look at old pictures to compare them and all that.  This time around, things have been so different, on all ends, that is easier to identify things that were going on in my head with Ava.  I had nothing to compare it to before.   Anyway, the song that will always make me think of Ava and the first couple months of her life is "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns. (Give it a listen, by clicking on the video link below.)  I had it on a cd, and would just play it over and over again in the car, singing pretty much as loud as I could as I cried.  I think driving was sometimes the only really alone time I got.  Obviously, I don't recommend driving, singing, and crying, being done all at the same time.  It probably doesn't make for the safest driving conditions.  Either way it worked for me.  The first month or so of Ava's life was definitely a "come to Jesus" time for both of us.  Justin was wheeling and dealing with God, making bargains if everything turned out ok.  I was overwhelmed with everything, new baby, new life, new love, in addition to the pain, guilt, and fear.  I think it was so intense that I couldn't begin to talk about it with anyone else.  I couldn't even really let myself fully acknowledge to myself how I was feeling or what I was thinking.  It was just too painful.  I obviously did not like to discuss how I was feeling because it was pretty much like poking at an open wound.  Justin and I talked to each other a lot but I don't think either of us were completely open about everything, not wanting to put make the other feel worse or worry.  I was confused that people assumed that everything was fine because I acted fine.  I wondered if they actually knew me at all, and if they knew how I had always handled emotional things.  So I would drive, sing, and cry and give it all up to God. 

And that's my story.  The end.

What a horrible ending.  I am totally distracted. Rhys is crying and I have lost my train of thought.  Looking back on the whole experience, it was excellent, and perfect and made us all better and stronger.  

So I wonder what Rhys' theme song will be?

1 comment:

  1. I know I, for one, was just following your lead - and I was here anytime you both wanted to talk - but did not want to invade your space. I'm sorry you felt so alone. We all were praying to God that everything would turn out ok. Many times I just wanted to give you a hefty hug, but was not sure if I should - we've all come a long way, and are the better for all of it. I can see that you and Justin are stronger now, and you are both wonderful parents. Remember to reach out - that's what we're here for!


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