You know what that means...

Santa brought us a new laptop for Christmas. You know what that could mean???? Easy blogging! I will be able to type faster and actually edit. It might really happen. I have felt like I have a lot on my mind lately. 

We are a few days out from the new year. I don't often have resolutions. I don't start some drastic diet, or cut stuff out of my life. I just usually have ideas of where I would like to see changes in my life. I don't really know what that will look like in action. 

My goals: 

1. Blog more. Get thoughts out. Write for myself, not an audience. I have slowed down with Facebook because of work, so maybe I won't feel like I have already said what I need to say. Maybe I will password protect old posts and use code names or something to protect the innocent. Not really sure about that though. 

2. Read 20 books this year. 

3. Along the lines with the 20 books, finish the 12 books written by non-American authors that have been assigned by my friend. 

4. Finish at least one knitting project. I have been working on the same thing since April and it is just about halfway done and it is a scarf. I think one project this year is a reasonable goal. 

5. Make some sort of effort on my house each day. That is all I have to say about that.

Overall, I want to stop feeling overwhelmed and frozen in place because I went back to work full time. It has been 5 months. Life hasn't really slowed down and it probably won't anytime in the foreseeable future, so it is time to suck it up. So I need to be more proactive with dealing with it and just move forward. 

Oddly enough, this was all written on my phone. Maybe I will get up and post sometime soon while I eat my breakfast. 

Eat!

So I have been asked to blog by a few people. Little do they know I have been blogging for a decade. Just off and on... And more off than on in the last 5 years. But that isn't the point! I am blogging. The end.

Isla is on a roll with the talking thing. Her new word is "eat." I brought some amazing tacos home after work today and when I opened the container she said, "Eat! Eat! Eat!" She also calls Enrique "Kiki" which is pretty cute. She seems to really love him. 

I am exhausted from Isla trying to sleep on my face last night so I can't say too much. One more day of work this week and it couldn't come at a better time. Jeans tomorrow! Who would think that getting to wear jeans would make me so happy? It just does. It is a trickle down effect. Everything is more comfy when I can wear jeans.

 

Can we just discuss this?

 I like to overwhelm myself. I mean, really, truly, over-commit and overwhelm myself.  I can't help it. It is like a compulsion. I work better under pressure. If I pause I lose momentum. 

Update which is relevant, we have decided to definitely go with private school. Justin hit a car this weekend and messed his car up. He is taking it in for an estimate and we are debating all the possible scenarios of what that could look like. Taking on a car payment is a very bad idea. 

Recently I have been debating working full time. Like full time at just one job. 40 hours a week, m-f, 9-5. It hasn't quite sat right with me. The kids' school just posted a part time librarian position. I think I need to investigate this further. I think I may need to do this. This would bump me to full time hours at three different jobs. Isla would definitely need childcare. But would also keep me looser and freer in the summers and breaks. It seems like it could be a creative 

solution. It also seems like a horribly stupid idea. I'm not sure which one will win.

What the what???

Things have been super busy with end of the school year activities and other such life type things. 

With the school situation... We began registering the kids for public school and it suddenly was just not right. Every conversation I had with someone from the school was the opposition of reassuring. We still pushed on. Then the principal of the current school asked us what needed to happen to make us stay. We discussed the financial needs and concerns and he encouraged us to apply for financial aid. So we decided to apply and see what happens and make our decision after that. That is still pretty much where we are officially, only in order for them to process the financial aid application, you do have to register, so we did that and paid the registration fee. So we will of course use the logic of "well we don't want to waste that $350, so we better spend $10,000 more." We still have no idea what we will really do. I feel confident that we will stick with the school and somehow the money will be provided, though it does seem like road blocks keep coming up. 

We have 3.5 days of school left this year. I am half looking forward to break and half not. Mornings will be easier and work will be harder. I need to get my "I'm bored" jar all ready to go. I'm not listening to that all summer.

Back and forth

I just did it. I just dropped off the registration packet for private school again. I just can't let it go.

The rest of the trip and then some

Work started and it sucked away my will to do anything so there isn't a whole lot to say about that. I did venture into Old Town and made a friend from New York but I don't even really know her name. I didn't see anything cool and ate a lot of southwestern style food. I did finish my book which was great. I also figured out how to download rented movies one iPad so I had something to watch on the way home. It definitely made the flight more enjoyable.

I loved coming home to my babies. Isla was fully crawling, starting to pull herself up and had learned to blow raspberries. All of this in 4 days. She also was very constipated. It was overall a strange training. Usually I get tons of ideas and am excited to come home and get back to work. This was not the case at all. I am actually dreading returning to work. There have been a lot of changes at work lately and it is a different environment. There has been a lot of wait and see and so far I am not seeing anything good. 

I also officially told the school that we won't be returning next year. I am confident that we are making the right decision for our family. I am glad I am not locked into my job for the tuition money (still am for life money, but we will see what the year brings) as I am feeling the call to be home more and have been reminded of what I wanted to be doing when I was previously planning on eliminating work.

In other news I got a free journaling app. I feel compelled to use it but I am not sure why or how it would be an different then this except it could be just for me. It would be pretty cool on my pretend Mac.

New Mexico trip day 1

 In honor of the new book I am reading (you will understand in a little while) I am inspired to blog about the minute by minute activities of my trip. Plus I am traveling alone and I might as well be productive while talking to myself. 

Left the babies this morning and didn't cry though I wanted to. I always think about what happens if my plane crashes while I am gone. I send Justin texts updating my wishes for him and the kids if I die. It is probably his favorite part about me traveling. I got through security in record time. It was awesome. No yelling by any employees. I actually questioned briefly if I was still in Chicago. Everyone was so friendly. 

Stopped and bought a book. It is the third Bridget Jones book. I didn't even know it existed!

Got Starbucks and earned a point towards my rewards. Win win! I am on company money for food by this point so it feels like a free for all. There is obviously a budget but it is bigger than mine would be!

Almost got left behind because they forgot to call my group for boarding and I just sit there waiting my turn like the good little rule follower that I am. I have the back of the plane to myself. The guy across from me is watching all the movies I want to be watching on his MacBook that I wish I was owning. Jerk. How did he do that? I meant to download movies to my iPad and o forgot mainly because that would also require me figuring out how to do it.

Started knitting project and listened to my downloaded podcasts. (See! I can download things.) Started reading the new book. She is divorced!!!  This is all sorts of wrong. It better improve. Her play by play of her kids is funny. Maybe it will redeem the story.

I had vaguely looked up things to do in Albuquerque but never really mapped it out. It turns out that I am no where near any cultural sights. I am buy a mall and lots of chain food options. So... I Wales to a new food place I had never been to, went to a liquor store and got Justin a beer as a gift and went into the mall to get some bubble bath. A bubble bath in the middle of the afternoon without being interrupted is definitely not something I normally get to do. I read for a while, went and got a pedicure and got dinner. I got an email reminding me of work I need to get done soon. I have quite a list for the week which is just annoying. I just can't get into it today. I really miss my babies and the only thing that is good is trying to make it a me day.  Back to reading in bed and hopefully a long night of sleep.(Bridget did NOT get divorced. Whew.)

this is not a computer

At Bible study today, I got into a discussion about Macbooks.  I want one.  My heart dreams of one.  Why? I don't know. It is a truly worldly desire.  We discussed the benefits of streamlining apple products and all that.  She said that if I have a keyboard and an ipad then I don't really need a laptop.  I do indeed have those things so I decided to just pretend for tonight that I had a macbook.  It so far hasn't really worked that well. I am sure things will improve when I get used to the tiny little keyboard and stop making so many keying errors.  But I tried to update the format of my blog as well.  Correct some outdated links that had been pointed out to me (http://everydaymomlife.com) and it wasn't letting me do it.  I couldn't pick a new template.  There are things that I just can't do on an ipad. Mind you it isn't a ton but there are things.  Bonus of using my ipad: finding pictures the kids have taken in my camera roll.

My van needs new brake pads and tie rods.  This is actually not all bad.  My sister's boyfriend is replacing the brake pads on Thursday.  The tie rods are actually covered under the warranty that we bought on the van.  There was already other repairs needed that would be covered under waranty so I am trying to pick a day next week when the kids don't have school and I don't have work, to just bring it in.  There are some logistics that make this hard. The main one is to take it in for free to have things fixed under warranty we have to go about an hour out of our way.  I could take it to the Nissan dealership close by, but that is $50.  At this point, I am that cheap to take it in for free and go out of my way.

In other news Isla has learned to sit up by herself and get into the sitting position.  I knew she was sort of close to figuring it out this weekend and today she just got it. She can't do it every time but she knows what she is doing.  She is also working on her bottom teeth.  You can see the little white spots where they will come in.  She smiles in a way that just shows off her gums.  It is like she wants me to see that something is happening.  We are working on more baby foods.  She still doesn't love eating but she doesn't mind it.  She would rather taste what we are having.  I don't mind it, but she hasn't really figured out the whole chewing thing.

We seem to be pretty set now on public school.  I don't see anything really changing our minds.  One quarter left at our current school.  I am sure it will go by quickly and then I might start freaking out. For now we are fine.  I think Justin is very relieved that we only have one more tuition payment to make. I know I am!

A brand new week...

I am so glad this last week is over. We often have busy weeks but not multiple days in a row that leave me so drained and exhausted that I can just sit there doing nothing, because that time spent doing absolutely nothing is about all I can handle. 

The whole Dori business has been more dramatic than it ever should have been. Part of the problem was I did look back. I looked on Facebook for updates and I got shaming instead. This has been a week of mourning. I last heard from the agency who took Dori yesterday. I think it is all resolved and I am pretty good with our decision. Her attempts to make me feel bad just really proved my point of WHY we were no longer the best place for her. That doesn't take away the fact that we loved her and she was a part of our family. The kids think she went to be friends with another old dog. I fully believe this has been true!  In the last update I got, she is completely happy and adjusted and they think she is a great dog. I have seen pictures to prove it.

The huge grant for work is almost, almost, almost done. I have the finishing touches to do tomorrow and then just need to submit it. I worked almost twice as many hours last week as normal. I felt like I had lost touch with real life!bi am glad that tomorrow is a normal work day so I don't feel like it is something extra that I need to get done.

In other shallow news: my smashed nail is almost completely grown back! I am looking forward to painting them all nice for the annual fundraiser gala for work this weekend. 

I have also been pondering make up choices. I could seriously spend tons of time and money on make up if left to my own devices. Skin care in general actually. I just think make up is fun. ( I always went for the natural look in high school/college but that was actually more of the normal look and the fashion.) I might review products. Maybe. It might help me justify my habit!

Sadness and woe

Dori went to her new, possibly permanent home. It was harder than I thought it would be. Dori seemed very nervous and unsettled. I panicked on the way home that I made the wrong choice. Why would I hurt everybody because of pee? Rhys had a good cry Friday. They both were fine today. I cried the whole way home after dropping her off. 

So many second thoughts

I can't sleep. I have too much on my mind. 

1. I am having second thoughts about public school. Justin is not having these second thoughts. I am having a really hard time. I help out with lunch at the school once a week.  I get to see both kids with their friends. When I compare Ava last year to this year, I have a really hard time imagining taking her away from her friends. She has really made a good group of friends and it seems like it is just starting to really come together now that the year is a 3rd of the way over. Last year she had friends, but she just kind of floated and didn't really know where to fit in.  What do we do? Do we put in for financial aid? Is scraping by for one more year just delaying the inevitable?

2. Dori. Our dog of 10 years. She has a serious peeing problem and has since the day we got her. I am at my end with her and I sent an email to the adoption place we got her from, never really imagining the address would still be valid. Well it was, and now they are prepared and ready to take Dori back and place her in a foster home. Justin says this is better than putting her down.  She had such horrible anxiety and social issues when we got her, it is hard to imagine that being the kind thing. Keeping her in the cage to keep her from peeing on the floor is also not the kind thing. I know I reached out to them, but I didn't expect an answer so now it all feels very sudden.  What do I tell the kids? How long will the guilt last?

Dream verses reality

Do you picture a better version of yourself?  I do.  It rarely has anything to do with my personality or character.  It is all about my lifestyle.  It is things like what would I be doing right now if.....

Right now, I would be drinking my Starbucks coffee, while typing this (in a more respected an intellectual fashion) on my Macbook, in my immaculate and decorated home.  Mind you all of these things would have come easily to me financially, like it was no big deal.  I would also be sitting here in a size 6 or 8 pants with no extra whatever flopping over the top. I would be in a cute top and probably wearing a scarf, draped just so.  It wouldn't make me look like I have a head like Beaker.  My hair would be freshly highlighted and my nails would be done, possibly in a classy French manicure.

Instead, here is my reality.  I am in fact drinking Starbucks that I brewed at home because their holiday blonde roast was on clearance at Target.  I am typing this on my work computer with a jenky mousepad, because that is the fastest and most reliable computer in the house.  Plus it is already set up at my crumb covered table for me to get work done in a little while.  I have four loads of laundry ready to be folded and one more in the washer.  I am wearing yoga pants because I am more comfortable in them in my between-the-double-digit-sizes state and a non-nondescript hoodie that is too big.  I haven't had my hair highlighted since the beginning of December,maybe and I went to bed with it slightly damp so it is definitely doing its own thing. My nails have all been breaking so they are in various stages of jagged and I need to take the chipped paint of.

Why is my reality good?  I am at home.  Getting ready to work for a job that allows me to be at home with my baby.  I am in my house that I own.  I have wi-fi in my house.  I have kids to make crumbs.  I have a washer and dryer in my house to allow me the luxury of doing laundry here.  I can afford to pick and choose food to allow me to control my diet.  I showered!  I haven't figured out the bonus of the chipped nails yet, but who knows.  Maybe I will get there.

Run for your lived and retreat!

I went on the women's retreat with church this weekend. It was good and I have a lot to process. More on that later, maybe. I don't know how much I want to share.

I held out food wise all week except at the retreat. I went right back to being on track today though. I did not get all my workouts in last week. I am going for all three this week. I know I have lost at least 2 pounds this week. At lease the scale is moving. I was worried it wouldn't at all.

The next two weeks will be intense with work but I think it will be ok. I don't have much choice. I just have to get the work done one way or another. 

My random thoughts of late: why do we obsess and think that life will be different if we get this new item or that? "If I get a new pair of jeans I will always be inspired to dress better."

I am also completely hooked on the show House of Cards. It is a bad time for such things especially with work.

Here we go...

6:45am: Work has gotten insanely busy. It isn't so much busy as having a lot of work to do in a very little amount of time. It is only fitting that I try to start the weightloss competition today. I am not supposed to eat carbs or sugars that aren't naturally found in fruits and vegetables. I have logged my food for a normal day and I generally eat 80% carbs. This will be a challenge. I did a lot of meal prep yesterday to remove a lot of obstacles. I am also going to do a class at the gym this morning as soon as I drop the kids off. I haven't worked out in at least a year and a half. I look forward to the soreness.  It is such a good hurt.

I will update through out the day maybe.

8:50pm. I did well food wise. Not a single cheat. I even drank black coffee. I had the normal obsess over food for the first few days thing because I am a food addict and it is what I do. I ate more than normal so there was no actual reason for it.  I made a green smoothie for breakfast which was delicious. My blender sucks and doesn't actually like to blend things so that made it hard. I ended up going to the gym tonight instead of the morning, but I still went. Overall successful day. I am going to sedate myself so I don't go find chocolate like my normal night time routine requires.

Get back, honk a cat!

Things around these parts are busy as always. We are more than half way through the school year. Isla is almost 6 months old. Time is just flying. I always feel like I don't have enough time for anything, but I am trying to at least make sure I have enough time to enjoy the kids during this stage of craziness.

Isla is changing daily.  She rolls both ways, she sings to herself, she can scootch and roll around if given enough time. She isn't eating solid food yet but has tasted a couple things.  I don't think anything magical will change next week when she turns 6 months.  We just might be a little more diligent about trying to feed her food.  Either way, she sits at the table with us during meal times and is a part of everything.

It is also that time of year, the annual "what do we do about school" time of year.  We have come to the conclusion that we are going to do public school next year.  It isn't a for sure thing, we still love our school, we just can't afford it anymore.  We aren't planning to take on more bills or anything like that, just use this next year to get back on track with things and really see what our money looks like,  Justin got a new pay structure at work and it has made it very hard to know whether or not private school is an option.  It could be fine, or we could just completely drown.  If something changes between now and the beginning of the school year, like some anonymous patron decides to pay for tuition or I somehow get offered a job with the same hours and way less money, then we will probably keep them at their current school.  But right now, it looks like public is the way to go.  I have some apprehension about it, but not really.  I am mostly feeling sad about leaving the school we love behind.  We were such a part of everything, and I know the staff loved my kids.  That is going to be really hard.  I am actually afraid I will feel the loss at every single school event I go to until the end of the year, including drop off and pick up.

 Ava is very excited.  She wants to meet new people and get to wear her own clothes.  She does have good friends at the school but she thinks she will see them again at other things.  She is excited about going school shopping.  She says she is excited to have a fresh start and a new chance to be a good student.  That statement in itself makes me question whether or not the private school has actually been that good for her.  Maybe it put too much pressure on her academically?  I have no idea.

Rhys is neutral.  He will be fine.  I have heard that it is hard to transition to public school for first grade only because it will be a lot of review.  The private school can require a lot more school readiness for their kindergarten so less time has been spent this year playing catch up.  They are both excited to take the bus.

I joined a tiny, little, cheap gym and committed to a 9 month Biggest Loser competition beginning Monday.  The length of the commitment is scary.  Finding the time to work out is scary.  Taking my before pictures is scary.  We will see how it goes.  A friend is doing it with me, so at least I am not all in alone.

New year what?

It is a new year. 2015, a year I never even considered happening when I was younger because it was so ridiculous sounding. I didn't make any resolutions. I have goals but I didn't make them just because it is a new year. Winter break ending is a good time for a fresh start. I want to be more organized with my time. I blocked out my week so I knew when I really needed to be working and so it all didn't seem so overwhelming. Monday and Tuesday worked. Now we are on our second day of no school because of freezing wind chills and it has all gone off the rails.

Vanity.

It has been 4 months since the great nail smashing.  I smashed my middle finger in a garage door  I am pretty sure that my finger was broken based on the swelling and lack of mobility.  After a couple days my nail turned black but it was all dried blood underneath so I couldn't drain it.  About 2 months later my nail all fell off. I had a little nub of a nail underneath it so I at least had something.  All the skin that was normally covered by a nail was very dry and gross looking too.  I have finally grown the new nail out to the tip of my finger, at least in the middle of it.  The sides by the cuticles are still shorter.  There is a huge ridge where the new nail was attached to the old nail.  I have another month or so until that will be gone.

What I have learned from this whole thing.  (I do know this is a very shallow type of lesson.)  I am very vain about my nails.  I naturally have nicely shaped nails that are strong and long.  Over the last two years I have always had them painted, and had them done.  It was my one indulgence. Seriously, I have a great friend who generally just does my hair when she has time in her kitchen so I don't go to the salon or anything.  Having one black nail or no nail for the last few months made me realize how much I use my hands to talk, point to things, etc.  I actually think that people care how nice my nails look.  I know they probably don't, but in my mind they do. Maybe I see having the ability to get my nails done, just a simple no chip manicure on a semi-regular basis as an outward sign that my life is going smoothly.  It means I have had the time to go. I have had the spare cash.

At this point, I am waiting for the stars to all align.  I will have 10 full finger nails to have painted.  Isla will last longer between feedings so I can consider being gone for something so frivolous.  Nothing will break or annual dues or fees won't be due.  Income will be steady. And then I am all in.  I will own it.  I have gone without and seen the light.  I love my nails done. Just like I love my cable tv.  In the land of plenty, it is the shallow things you don't realize you will miss until they are gone.